A painful shot to Google's private parts

Spring 2013: Watch for the launch of Google Career, a proprietary real-time system that lets us know precisely which career options we've scuttled by posting lurid details of our drunken antics on Facebook and Google+. Today, a young woman can only guess at the occupational repercussions of an iPhone video of her tabletop striptease. However soon, thanks to Google Career, she'll be empowered to instantly learn that she'll never crack a Fortune 500 company, earn more than $45,000 a year or regain the love of her father.

July 2015: Addressing concerns about the amount of information it is amassing, Google will remind users that it is easy to avoid having your personal data collected and repurposed. All you need to do is get rid of your personal computer, mobile phone, electronic devices, forearm implants, gold fillings and pubic hair. Those who do so will have however one remaining gadget at their disposal-the Etch-A-Sketch. And bad news: the porn on that thing is pretty primitive in that the boobs always wind up kinda square.

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